Thursday, July 29, 2010

We're All The Same

I can kinda, sorta relate to this.  Mostly in the fact that the dialog for something like this was happening in my head.

I think that I had this exact conversation (again, of course, in my head 'cause I have yet to develop a big enough set of balls).

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm Seriously Starting To Think That Life Is Out To Get Me


Red wine, Whiskey, and Bourbon cause Migraines

Although this should come as no surprise 'cause I've been living with the consumption and  resulting migraines for what seems like forever, having a study spell it out really puts the crap in the crapper.  
The friggin' thing goes on to say that a compound called Tyramine, "found in fermented, pickled or smoked foods such as aged cheeses, beer, smoked fish, yeast extract, fermented soy products, sauerkraut and cured meats," is a trigger for migraines.  Like any average North American guy this shit makes up about 75% of my diet.  Throw in the problems with wine, beer, alcohol, bacon, coffee and MSG, I'm surprised that my head hasn't exploded.  
There really isn't anything enjoyable in life that won't cause you some kind of grief.  
I guess that I'm gonna have to keep up my intimate relationship with the bottle of Tylenol.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Heads Up ... Whale!!??

Holy ... Cow (I mean whale).
I'm sure that anyone in a boat has at least one eye on the surroundings (I realize that I'm generalizing here 'cause there are boating collisions of all kinds occurring every day) looking for stuff like the huge cargo ship that's in the second picture.  One can assume that their minds would also be occupied with things like the weather, the water conditions, their location, the fish that they are trying to catch, the naked sunbathing chicks that are hopefully on deck, etc.  I'm pretty sure that at no time are they plotting their course, wondering how they're going to avoid the giant swimming 18 wheeler that might plow into their boat.

Photo by Cape Town Sailing Academy / Rex Features ( 1210427a ...Photo by Cape Town Sailing Academy / Rex Features ( 1210427e ...

Whale vs Yacht 

I wonder if someone's gonna get the idea to start putting out 'Whale Crossing' signs?

Monday, July 26, 2010


This past weekend, the wife and I went to a pool/dinner party at a friend of the wife's place.    The food was good, the music was fine, there were plenty of laughs ... blah, blah, blah, etc.
Later on in the evening, I found myself sitting in the living room listening to the general conversation and enjoying a yummy Tequila on ice.  At one point the conversation turned the topic of Michael Jackson.  The overall tone was one of syrupy admiration. One chick was going on and on about how she had been a lifelong fan and how much she just loved him. The straw that broke the camel's back was when the 'always-talking guy' offered up the uber-sincere "I just so respected him, like an artist ... you know."  Snap
I then climbed out of my tumbler of Tequila and piped in, " Yeah, there's nothing quite like the respect you can have for a guy who likes to fuck monkeys and little boys."
I got a pair of giggles, one guffah and the stink-eye from the wife.
There endeth the conversation.

Son ... You Blew A .09 on the Apple Pie Meter

Here we go again.  I know that I'm gonna come off sounding like the crusty fart that I am, but seriously (I know) ...Nutmeg!!  
The hugely bored segment of the population, known as the teenager is once again (or more like continuously) on the hunt for anything that can provide any sort of a cheap high.

  Teens Using Nutmeg to Get High
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Again, what the hell was the genesis of this recreational adventure?  Was it chug the spices day at the frat house?  I guess it really must have sucked for the guy that ended up with the bottle of cayenne pepper.
Here's the scene:
It's a dark country road.  A cop sits inside his cruiser behind a badly lit billboard eating an old doughnut and drinking some cold coffee that's way past it's prime.  Suddenly, a car races by, weaving slightly and tooting it's horn.  Within seconds, the cop placed the lid back on his coffee and tossed the doughnut back into the box, all with a practiced precision, and screeches out after the offending car.  It takes only a kilometer or two for the cop to slide his car behind the target and a with quick flick of his lights and siren his intentions became quite clear.  The occupants of the car (an old Honda) took no time at all to decide that pulling over was obviously their best option.  With a over used-squeak, the door to the police car swung open and a very large police officer stepped out and adjusted his belt.  Casually, he moseyed up to the window of the offending Honda and tapped on the window with the butt of his flashlight.  Slowly, almost casually, the driver's window began to descend, unleashing the scent of apple pie, a Bob Marley song and two giggling teens.

Ladies and Gentlemen ... lock up your spice cabinets!!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Shit-load of Papier Maché

Crucify me, spit on me and say whatever , but dammit this is just one of those times you just gotta ask why?

I mean really ... really ... really ... is there really a place in the world for huge genetalia art.  How in the world does this get made? ... Honestly.

How Do You Snort Monkeys ?

That's it, I've got it ... I'm gonna start a blog that focuses on all the really weird shit that people try and smuggle through airports.  Ahhhhhh remember the good old days when people  smuggled things like drugs, jewelry or other people.  
"Man Caught Smuggling 18 Monkeys At Mexico Airport"
Seriously !?! ... Monkeys ... 
I want to know how he came up with the number 18.  Was it a space issue?  I mean, was he thinking, "I love to get 20 of those little fuckers in there, but man I just can't pack any more of 'em in."  They're live friggin' monkeys, not socks and underwear.
Then there's the switch from the suitcase to the t-shirt. Because of X-rays ... X-RAYS?  How did he not know this going in.  
Was he in line at the airport going, 'What the hell?!?  Are they gonna X-ray my luggage?  When the fuck did this start happening?  Aw Crap!!  I guess that means I'm gonna have to go with plan B.  
Paco ... dig the girdle out of your carry-on ... we're gonna do this kangaroo-STYLE!!"
I guess it's relatively safe to assume that the monkey smuggling crowd is not the sharpest of the weird shit smuggling underworld.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Here Comes Some Punishment

OK, I know you're thinking, " What the hell is funny about any of this".  Obviously not much.  I get it ... But It's just kinda mind numbing that we're always having to resort to even more violent and medieval means just to protect the most basic of human rights or conditions.

Now this is what I call a deterrent (obviously notwithstanding the fact of the whole evilness of the act itself).
The Rape-axe:
Click small image to display it here

"The Rape-aXe system consists of a latex sheath, which contains razor-sharp barbs. The device is worn in her vagina like a tampon. When the attacker attempts vaginal penetration the barbs attach themselves to the penis, causing great discomfort. The device must be surgically removed, which will result in the positive identification of the attacker and subsequent arrest"

This brought to you by someone from South Africa, the same place, I'm sure, not uncoincidentally, that gave us this wonderful anti-carjacking device.  Oh, and the Vuvusela.

At the end of the day anything that can stop/prevent/punish a rapist is an awesome thing.  Just don't forget that you're wearing it 'cause I'm pretty sure that it'll put a damper on just about any real "romantic interlude".

Friday, July 9, 2010

A Job's A Job

Hmmmmmmmmmm. On the same day that the government announces a dramatic 8 ish% drop in Canada's unemployment rate, Celine Dion announced that she was pregnant with twins after a successful go with in vitro fertilization. Although I'm happy for everyone involved, I never realized that it took that many workers to drag the sperm out of old man Rene.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Holy Cow, It's The Elixor Of The Gods

Oh so tantalizing ... beautiful even.  It makes me giddy.

The only friggin problem is that it's NOT AVAILABLE IN GODDAMNED CANADA.  This one's gonna make me cry.  Can you say "Road Trip".

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Here's a story from the London Telegraph that talks about a poll taken in the U.S.  It asked a bunch of different questions to, I guess, see what Americans thought of the future and to gage their sense of optimism.  One of the things that stuck out among the 15 or so questions  was the finding that "• 41 per cent say Jesus Christ will return within the next 40 years while 46 per cent say this will definitely or probably not happen. "  If my math is right, you add up the percentages and you get the number 87.  Now I realize that the polling company said that there is a 3 percent margin of error but I don't think that it really changes anything.
Following the numbers, how is it that only 13 percent are unsure of whether or not Jesus Christ will return by 2050?  I'm pretty sure that this falls into the category of "How the fuck should I know?", and besides I thought that 2012 was the big date on the calendar.

Another WTF Moment

I saw this in a mall in Burlington, Vermont.  I wonder if it's a big seller in New Orleans?

Yeah, for only 2 bucks you can get the shit blown out of you by 80mph winds.  I wonder what's next for natural disasters product line?  How about an earthquake simulator or a drought machine.  Pestilence???

Monday, July 5, 2010

Summer, Summer, Summer Time Grind

Well, I think that I can officially say that summer has begun.  Today is the first of the "what the hell do I do with the kids today?" days.  School finished about 2 week ago, the family went on a short getaway road trip to Lake George, NY and we got through the 2 holidays that happen in Quebec.  Now, after the "frenzy" of the last 2 weeks, the wife is back at work and I'm feeling the familiar pressure.  After 5-ish months of "crappy" indoor type weather (not to mention the extremely shitty summer of rain that we had last year), I'm feeling a certain pressure or obligation to make the most out of every sunny summer day.  It seems that any day spent in sloth-like relaxation is somewhat of a waste (especially in the face of the ever-encroaching hibernation weather).
The kicker for today is that it is 31 degrees celcius and it feels like friggin' 41 degrees if you throw in the humidity (which you do 'cause that's what it feels like).  That's 89 and 106 degrees for our American friends.
All these numbers add up to the fact that on the (in essence) first day of the summer grind it's too goddamned hot to go outside.  
Yeah, I said it : Too Hot.  
I do realize that in six months from now I'm gonna be sitting in this same chair bitching about how cold it is outside but jumping Jesus on a pogo stick: 41 frikin' celcius ... I'm Canadian for fuck sake ... my blood is mostly beer and maple syrup.  I'm just not made for this kind of heat.  living in 6 months of colder weather just doesn't allow it.  My evolving has stalled.  I'm just not gonna wake up tomorrow with gills and an internal ice pack or a fan blowing out of my ass (various members of my family may contest the last part of that statement).
Hey kids, why don't we go outside and stick to the asphalt, then we can play last one back in the house doesn't get to rehydrate.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy Kim Mitchell Day ????

Yes, yes I know my sporadic posting ended up being, in fact, a whole lot more non-existent than sporadic but in my defense I did spend the last few days shuffling my kids between just about all of the mini-putt venues of northern New York state.  I just got home from the "vacation" and well ... I'm fucking pooped.

Kim where are you??  I looked and looked (in other words I Googled it)

I know that I spent the better part of Canada Day driving home from the United States and that gave a very distinct Twilight Zone (not the pussy vampires) feeling to my Canada Day celebrations but holy hand grenades Batman ... no Kim Mitchell concert anywhere in Canada ... on Canada Day.  What the hell did I come home to ... some sort of alternate universe???  

What the hell happened?  Hasn't Mr. Mitchell played at a Canada Day celebration every year since confederation?  I thought Patio Lanterns was about John A Macdonald.
I checked the directory for the events taking place in Ottawa for Canada Day and the list of musical acts include a whack of people I've never heard of and the Barenaked Ladies.

  • Pre-show with Team Canada DJs (Que.) — DJ
  • Barenaked Ladies (Ont.) — Alternative rock
  • Isabelle Boulay (Que.) — Pop
  • Alex Cuba (B.C.) — Cuban
  • Johnny Reid (Ont.) — Country
  • Cadence Weapon (Alta.) — Urban
  • Dione Taylor (Sask.) — Jazz
  • Jean-François Breau  (N.B.) and Marie-Ève Janvier (Que.) — Pop
  • Marjo (Que.) — Rock
  • Andrea Lindsay (Ont.) — Pop
  • Blueprint Cru (Que.) — Dance
  • Christina Martin (N.S.) — Folk rock
  • Hey Rosetta! (N.L.) — Indie rock
  • Lucie Idlout (Nunavut) — Rock
  • Michael Kaeshammer (Ont.) — Jazz
  • Marie-Josée Lord (Que.) — Classical
  • Samian (Que.) — Hip hop
  • Wayne Lavallee (B.C.) — Folk
  • The Campbell Brothers (Ont.) — Traditional
  • Montreal Jubilation Gospel Choir — Gospel
  • Rebecca Makonnen (Que.) — Host
I am not a wild party ... and apparently, neither is Ottawa.