Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My Drow Is Better Than Your Drow

I gotta admit that the "15 year old D & D playing geek" in me thinks that this is almost the most awesome thing that could have ever been invented.
Then there's the "guy who grew out of it and managed to get laid" side. 
I know that this is gonna be an obvious comment but I'm gonna go there anyway... 
I looked around online at the Microsoft Surface and the thing that stuck out most was the fact that the bloody thing cost around $12000.  I know that if at any stage during my life I came into a disposable chunk o' cash like that, (after the age of 12 'cause before that I woulda blown it on hockey cards and Kiss Army stuff) there is no way I would have dropped it on something that further reduced my chance at any significant human female contact (my wife included).
I'm no math whiz, but an amount like that would pretty much assure getting some kind of chick-friendly car and at least 1 hooker or an OK weekend in Vegas.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Three Billy Goats Gruff 2010

Once upon a time, the three Billy Goat Gruff brothers needed to get into a strip joint to get a lap dance. 
"Tip, tap, tip, tap" went the brothers tapping on the glass of the front door.
"Who's that ?", said the gentlemen's club bouncer.
"It is I, the smallest Gruff Goat, and I'm going to get jiggy with a lap dance."
"Not without the cover charge and a two drink minimum," said the bouncer.
"Just let me in then talk to my brother, the second Gruff Goat brother, he's the one with the cash."
"Well, then be off with you," growled the bouncer.
"Tip, tap, tip, tap" went the brothers tapping on the glass of the front door.
"Who's that ?", said the gentlemen's club bouncer.
"It is I, the second Gruff Goat brother, and I gotta score some lap dances," said the second Gruff Goat brother in his best biker voice.
"Not without the cover charge and a two drink minimum," said the bouncer".
Just let me in then talk to my brother, the last Gruff Goat brother, he's the one with all the cash".
"Well, then be off with you," growled the bouncer.
"Tip, tap, tip, tap" went the last brother tapping on the glass of the front door.
"Who's that ?", said the gentlemen's club bouncer.
"It is I, the last Gruff Goat brother, and I'm gonna grind chicks all night," said the last Gruff Goat brother.
"Not without the cover charge and a two drink minimum," said the bouncer".
"Screw that," said the last Gruff Goat brother.  
They then trashed the place and the three brothers were later arrested and sentenced to 6 months in the county jail.

Friday, February 12, 2010

OMG! Someone Call 911, I Think My Cockles Are Warm

I finally got around to seeing this:

I laughed, I cried, I was a part of it .... AHHH  Metal ...  Is there nothing it can't do?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hee Hee Hee

Somehow I gotta see this movie ... hey sometimes bad taste is just funny

Eat the @#$%?!& Smurfs

 A while ago I went to see Mel Gibson's latest movie "Edge Of Darkness".  The movie was just kinda OK ,( in my best movie criticky type voice) .  Watching Mel's performance, in the context of his last 4 years of grumpiness, I was left with 1 observation:


He's just really, really, really hungry for some good eatin' smurfs

Friday, February 5, 2010

If They Get Thumbs We're All Dead

While rummaging a few odds and ends type stories I came across this one:

Hunter Shot By Dog Broke Key Safety Rule

So I kept looking and I found a couple more:

Hunter Shot Dead By Dog

Oregon Man Shot By Dog Recovers

Dog Probably Responsible For Shotgun Blast That Injured Owner

 I began to notice a scary pattern ... all of the perpetrators were Labrador Retrievers ...
People may call these occurences accidents... I call them test runs.
While they seem to be spending their days chasing stuff, licking their privates etc., in reality they're watching and learning, biding their time.  Knowing that they are the #1 breed of family dog, they're just waiting until we decide to genetically engineer them with opposable thumbs ( seems like the next logical step after seeing all the beer fetching dogs in those Budweiser commercials).  Then they'll strike.  The hunters will be first, then mailmen and stupid children until finally they will rule the top of the food chain.  The Earth will be renamed Labradoria... mark my words.

My Yellow Lab just got herself some nervous respect and a steak.

I just won't let her near the computer anymore...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Think My Goldfish Wants To Join The Witness Protection Program

For quite a while now one of the family goldfish has been spending time here and there upside down looking very much like it had bought the farm.

It's just faking...

After a little while he'll just snap out of it then get back to doing regular goldfishy stuff.
The question is why?

I think that it's trying to fake its own death. Maybe it's hoping that the ruse will lead to a quick flush to freedom where it can start over in as member of a koi pond commune or a really pretty carp. ( it's a goldfish, how well could it have thought this through?)

We'll call this Fishwatch : Day 1

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Where The Hell Am I?

Like many people, I suppose, I watched the premier of Lost last night.
I learned 3 things:

1. Even though, at the end of last season, I thought that I had things pretty well figured out... after last night I really don't have a frigging clue.

2. I like watching the Olympics propably more than the next guy but I am already way, way, way done with watching olympics commercials.

3. I see that Hyundai has chosen to reach out and grab the hot lesbian demographic... A demographic far too long ignored.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

It's Raining Cats

So there's a story in the Montreal Gazette http://www.montrealgazette.com/life/cats+really+have+nine+lives/2508175/story.html
that strives to answer the question: Why are cats able to survive falls from high places?

The answer has something to do with cats being able to reach terminal velocity way faster than, say, humans can. Cats reach it in a fall after 5 storeys whereas a human reaches it in a fall after 32 storeys.

Then there's something about cats relaxing after acceleration stops and blah, blah, blah.

The Dr. concludes that because of this, the degree of injury is not really any more severe in a fall from 32 storeys than it is from one of 7 storeys.

All I want to know is: Where can I get the job flinging the friggin' cats off buildings?

While we're at it I seriously think that we need to discover the terminal velocity of all those goddamn little ratty dogs that everyone seems to be carting around.

I love science...

Monday, February 1, 2010

The Day I Grew Up

So, the other day I was watching TV and checking out the Videotron's onscreen guide for movies that were gonna be on The Movie Network and I came across a little film called Donkey Punch. Thinking that the name was kinda cool and not knowing anything about the movie I decided to Google it to find out more info (the info from Videotron is crap).

There ended my innocence...

The first 2 results were from Wikipedia, and the second one was about the movie. #1 was something that thankfully doesn't involve donkeys in any way.

I'll let everyone find out for themselves what #1 was.

My thoughts were this:

What was going through the dudes head when he came up with this idea? Was there any pre-game research involved? Was this an accidental discovery... like was the guy swatting a fly and them a wham followed by an oh baby?

I am getting too old...