Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Well first off, I'd just like say that my next post or so may be sporadic and even less grammatically correct that usual. I am on day 2 of a 5 day family vacation. My first mistake was letting the boys watch a 1 and 1/2 hour Spongebob Squarepants DVD on the drive down without them wearing earphones. I'm normally a Spongebob fan and actually enjoy watching the show but when you're trying to concentrate on driving, that little fucker laughing behind your head is just plain, oldschool annoying.
After a visit to a colonial fort, a lake tour on a paddlewheel boat, some shopping and a testy mini-putt game. I am now pressed up against the hotel room door ('cause it's the one place that I can still snag the wi-fi ... I'm too lazy to head down to one of the common areas.) I'm also typing this on the teeny-tiny keyboard of my iPod touch.
... Talk about hardcore hmmmmmm.....

Thursday, June 24, 2010

If The House Is A Rockin' ... Um ... Er ... You Might As Well Knock ... Not Much Is A Happenin'

At exactly 1:41:41 yesterday I sat through the earthquake that gave parts of Eastern Ontario and Western Quebec a bit of a rumble.  It even sent most of the people of downtown Ottawa scurrying into the streets.
City map
Obviously, the short 1000 finger massage we received doesn't rank very high on the list of nasty shaky things, but for someone whose list of weathery, freaky, natural environment-type experiences consists of an ice storm and some crappy snow storms(and something in '88 that I don't can't seem to remember), yesterday's quake was enough to get the old ladies' a gaggling.  Although it didn't have me running into the streets, I will admit that as soon as the rumbling started, I was up off my ass and wandering around, giving it a good, "Who, What, Where, What ... Did you feel that? ... I felt it ... Did you feel that? ... I sure did ... Are you sure you felt it? ... An earthquake ... Cool ... You felt it, Right?"

Happy "If You're Not Pure Laine Then Fuck Off" Day

But I'm not bitter or anything ...
I still remember back, a whole boatload of years ago, when when I worked a summer job in a medical equipment warehouse.  It was a lovely summer day and there I was having an argument with a rather spirited and oh-so-enlightened wanna be biker native quebecois.  He was informing me, rather emphatically, that I wasn't really allowed to celebrate St. Jean Baptiste Day because I spoke English ... you know, I wasn't a true quebecois, and therefore somehow ineligible ... never mind the fact that I was born in same friggin' province as he was.  
I then told him that he couldn't celebrate Canada Day and he said that he never did anyway  ... so there.  
We then agreed to disagree ... (he actually just threatened to run me over with a forklift)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

BP Art Class

Hey mom, look at the really cool picture I made in art class.  Neat huh ... All it took was like about a skiddlion dollars in livelihood and fucking up the Gulf of Mexico.  
I call it " Shareholders Just Wanna Get Richer, So Screw Everything"  
Isn't it pretty? I love all the squiggly lines that the oil makes in the water.
That's wonderful Tony ... What are you thinking about for next weeks class?
Hmmmmmm ... How about we go inland in British Columbia and see what we can rip out of there.  YYYAAAAAAAYYY

Oil Slick in the Gulf of Mexico

Sunday, June 20, 2010

OK, You're A Knob

Call me a knob, but here we are a week and a bit into the World Cup and I'm still not loving the Vuvuzela.  I even got a Vuvuzela app for my ipod to see if I could get to enjoy the sound. 
We'll see what happens after week 2.

Here's Johnny

Is it just me or does this kid look like he's auditioning to be a talk show host (either that or a pretentious English professor ... but I digress).
Let's just get this out of the way ... Of course I know that there's absolutely nothing right about this situation (extra-especially being a parent myself).   It's bad, bad, bad, wrong and again bad.  But damn ... it just so looks like smoking is this kid's thing.  
I grew up in the 70's when everybody and their uncle's parents smoked like industrial revolution chimneys and I can't remember seeing anyone seemingly more comfortable with the cancer stick as this kid.

How retarded is it that they have to have him cut down from 2 packs a day to now smoking 15 cigarettes a day.  How about cut him down to no fucking cigarettes a day.  And all thanks to "therapy focused on playing."  He's 2.  Therapy???  Focused on playing?!?  How many focuses could he have??  Eating, sleeping, dumping and playing ... what else is there? Here's my therapy ... put the fucking cigarettes up on a shelf.  KALBAM ... problem solved.

How do you figure the first cigarette experience went when the kid was only 18 months old?  How in the hell did he not set something on fire?  I'm trying to picture my kids doing something like that at the same age ... and there's just no fucking way.  Just trying to get them to actually put what they were supposed to be eating in their mouth was an adventure.  Giving them fire was way out of the realm of possibilities.  Then again, maybe I'm just a soft liberal,Western-type pussy or something ...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

My Steak Is Looking At Me Funny

Talk about cracking under the pressure.  This Mexican matador, Christian Hernandez had a choice, either fight the bull or face being arrested for some sort of breach of contract.  He chose going over the wall.  At this point really, who could blame him ...
Not only did he survive a near miss goring of his leg 8 months ago but I'm sure that the nasty bovine skull fucking that the Spanish bullfighter received last month was dipsy-doodling through his head.
You take one look at these guys with the pink and the tights and the long steppy, spinny moves and it conjures up visions of Bugs Bunny and a sombrero (Ok, so no it doesn't. It makes him seem like he's light in the loafers).  Or we tend to think of things like this:

Whether or not you're for or against bullfighting is one thing but there is no denying that it is a very scary endeavor and that takes a strong set 'o' balls to stay in the ring with a very pissed off 1000  or so pound animal.  All I know is that it would take me about a second and a half ('cause I don't think so good) to come to same conclusion that Mr. Hernandez did ... except I'd be going over the wall with my pink tighties all loaded up with a steaming pile of stinky fear.

The Apocalypse Is Nigh

My stomach hurts....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Honey, I Frickin Lasered The Kids

For only $200 you ... YES YOU ... can own the home version a lightsabre.  Now I know what you're thinking, " Why the hell do I want another stupid toy that is nothing more than flashy lights and some buzzing noises."  But wait ... wait I tell you ... Oh fuck it ...
Spyder III Pro Arctic Series
What are these people thinking ??  This thing is a real portable laser ... for sale ... 
Not a blinky, blinky laser pointer type thingy but something that can seriously fuck you up.  What could the average joe possibly want with one of these things.  It's a wonderful gadget if you want a localized crazy gonzo tan in about 4 seconds or if you're looking to melt Smarties in an instant. "The 1watt tool, said to be the world’s most powerful portable laser, features a blue ray that is 1,000 times stronger than sunlight on skin."

Deadly 'Star Wars lightsabre' sold in UK

Wow ... I mean WOW ...  I realize that I come from a country that has pretty stiff gun control laws so maybe my opinion towards this thing is gonna be a little tainted, but the question that comes to mind is why?  I'll admit that I know nothing about lasers and I certainly don't know what the heck this one would be used for but I imagine that for every sciencey type use(good) there's probably gonna be a whack of instances when it'll be used for fucking around(evil).  We seem to be in an age where idiots abound (just check YouTube) and this seems to be another club in their golf bag of stupidity.
Don't forget your 2 year extended warranty for only $29.99.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I Just Crapped Olivia Newton John

So, my weekend went something like this:
Friday: Caught the A-Team and some junkish food
Saturday: Replaced gutters on my house with help from friends and ate disgustingly good pizza (all-dressed with ground beef and BACON); we, later on, watched the movie "The Road" (then felt guilty for eating anything ... ever) (Soylent Green IS People)
Sunday: I went to friend's house.  We deep-fried a turkey, the leftover pizza, some jalapeno poppers and some fries(both sweet potato and regular potato); we also drank some beer and watched the F1 race.
I wonder what I should call my workout video?

Monday, June 14, 2010

Vuvuzela ... Sounds Dirty

Here we are day 4 into the World Cup and while I haven't watched any game in it's entirety, I've seen enough bits and chunks to kinda know what's going on.  I'm gonna weigh in on the pressing topic of the moment: the controversial Vuvuzela.
I've seen/heard something like this before.  I'm familiar with the 4-ish foot long red horn that's we call a 4-ish foot long red horn.  At any local major league/big time sporting event that I've every been to usually has under a half dozen of these things being played at one time.  They seem to be the favoured instrument of the ridiculously drunk or the young child neither of which seems to have the stamina to conjure up anything but short bursts of the annoying blarps.  The noise ends up sounding more like an amplified gas release than anything else.  Not so inspirational I'm thinking ...
Back to the World Cup ...
(I'm gonna use a " What's up with that")
Let's say I was a fan from anywhere but South Africa. Is this my line of thinking?? ...
Ok, so I paid for my plane ticket from xxxxx, I got my hotel room(or a version of somewhere to stay), I bought my tickets to 1 or more matches, I'm sporting my countries' jersey, I've got beer money money and cash for football snacks and I'm at xxxxx game with my buddies (or mates ... however I run).  
Now for the next 90 minutes plus a few moments during half-time I'm gonna blow on this here horn, that sounds like a nest of sex addicted hornets, like I was gonna reinflate the Hindenburg.  WOOHOO !!! ...Go Team ... or BBBBBRRRUUUUUUZZZUUU (90 mins worth)!!!... Go Team
What's up with that?
I realize that the "everyone else is doing it so why shouldn't I" defense has come into play but is destroying everyone's hearing in a slow deliberate fashion the best way to support your favorite team.  Why not just go ahead and Van Gogh your ears, get it over with and enjoy the game. (cranky old white guy moment)

Friday, June 11, 2010

Lazy Friday ... And That Differs From Other Days How Exactly?

Nothing but Wow ... I mean WOW!!

Honey.  Whaddaya think about renewing the old wedding vows? ... Hmmm

This is just funny ... and right on the money (intentional rhyming area)

It also once again, proves the idea that you never truly know how much a cup actually holds until you spill it all over the place.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Where DO Babies Come From?

Why babies?  Why death metal bands?  Why a little surfer kid?  Why Wal-Mart?
I don't have a clue.

Mixed Emotions

Ok, so I'm feeling lazy and just throwing up some videos.
This one's got a whole bunch of hands ... On the one hand, it's a rocket and an X-wing fighter from Star Wars, very cool .  On the other hand, it's a rocket and an X-wing fighter from Star Wars, not exactly get you laid material.  On another hand, you gotta feel bad for the guy who must have spend a good chunk of time and energy building this thing only to have it fly about 5 feet before coming apart with a little less than a blaze of glory.  On the other hand, Dude!(This warrants a dude call) WTF.  If you're gonna put all kind of time and effort (and I'm guessing money) into something like this, have a friggin clue.  It's not like a couple of oopsie pieces fell off in a mostly successful flight, the thing disintegrated like somebody threw up a bag of confetti.  
Do you even bother saying ,"Back to the drawing board."

Not Your Daddy's Mortal Kombat ... HOO HAAA

I don't know where this comes from or if it's gonna actually get made.  Just kinda makes ya go Hmmmm.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I Like Nuts

A couple of days ago the wife and I went to the local Bulk Barn.  We perused a whole bunch of different food type items and eventually I came home with some coconut and pineapple almonds, peanuts, sunflower seeds and cashews.  At home I started thinking about my love of the humble, yummy nut.
Let's face it, there's just no way to make that innocent proclamation on it's own without someone giving you the goofy eye.  You could be the president of the Nut Of The Month Club but if you walk up to a group of people and say, " I like nuts," it's weird looks and awkwardness, essentially a social game over until you add the qualifying, " Not guys nuts ... You know, peanuts, cashews, those kinda nuts ... Umm ... Yeah nuts."
You could walk up to the same group of people and say, " I like action movies," or " I like iguanas ... french ticklers and Power Rangers" and never feel the uncomfortable silence that the "I like nuts" will bring.

At The Happy Hilton

The crusty suburbanites ventured into the big city this past weekend.  We went there to celebrate the birthday of a buddy turning 40.  Blah, Blah, Blah, long story short, there was a bit of a gathering/party before the dinner outing at a hotel near the restaurant.  As we are often liable to do, the guys went through the room looking for interesting things to fiddle with and ... this is one thing that we found ...

The hotel Intimacy Kit ... 12 bucks for 2 condoms, 1 tube 'o' lube and 2 wet wipes.  Doesn't this just absolutely scream intimacy.  Honey, guess what?  I found some lube near the mini bar ... Now we can get it on !!!  Ooooo, and some towelettes too !!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

We Know The "P" In "BP" Doesn't Stand For Plug

I don't know where the cynical guy in me was when I first heard of the rupture/spill of  BP's underwater drilling site.  Like a knob, I naively assumed that ...
Hey, if they have the ability to drill for oil under the ocean, then surely this huge multinational corporation must, without fail, have some sort of sure-fire measures for dealing with something like ... Oh, I don't know ... How about a fucking oil leak/spill that's spewing millions of gallons of oil into the ocean.  I'm thinking that,  if you're a player in the getting some oil business, then you'd better fucking know what to do if ya get some, even if it's not on your terms.
If something goes wrong with the lid on my blender while I'm mixing margaritas I don't just throw my hands in the air and say, "OOPS, I guess we're all gonna get wet," followed by a, "Why don't we just throw a couple of paper towels on top, maybe that'll help."  
Guess what, I follow the standard operating procedures for halting a blender induced margarita spill ... and that's because I have some.
Another awesome case of greed overtaking common fucking sense YAY!?!