Friday, May 28, 2010

Who's To Judge

There I was yesterday driving down one of the main boulevards near where I live, after having (thank the lord) dropped the kids off at school, when I spotted him ... it ...??  I kinda wish that I had a picture in order to share the love but hey, I was driving.  
Now to set the scene, it was a beautiful sunny morning, hot without being crazy-hot and with a slight wind that carried on it's shoulders the coolness of the night before.  I had the music playing, the windows rolled down, the smell of lobster momentarily banished from the car (another story), it was a slice.  There he was, on the opposite sidewalk walking northbound to my southbound.  
The acckkkk moment hit when I noticed that he was wearing one of those very, very large holed mesh wife beaters and seemingly sporting it with pride, beer belly and all.  The horrible kicker to this little story is that the innocent breeze had awakened him, so to speak.  Oh yeah, Mr. Giant Salami Nipples was giving a full indication of the direction he was heading ... two times even.  He almost looked like he should have been wearing one of those Madonna type bras from the 90's.
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong
I don't know if asking WTF is even enough.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Piss Whisperer

Okey Dokey.  Here's the scenario:

Last Saturday, the wife and I decided to head out to a nearby outdoor antique and craft stuff market. Yes, I do realize the implications of voluntarily attending one of those things, but in my defense, it is the best place that I've ever come across for getting maple syrup and maple syrup trumps just about everything.  We ended up stopping at a vendor who was selling cutting boards that were made from a variety of different woods.  Being a very, very amateur carpenter I was interested in the different woods and some of he guy's techniques.  My wife's interest level was somewhat less than mine and so her focus began to wander some ... Until ...

She noticed an older "gentleman" who had wandered back behind the line of vendor tables and up to a small copse of trees and bushes.  His objective then became clear.  With the set of Port-o-Potties being a whole 37 feet away, the old bugger felt compelled to answer the call of nature at the closest wooden phone booth.  The story gets worse ... but luckily not for me, just my wife, I was still engaged in the fortunate chat.

There was a sound, some sort of ordinary noise that happens all the time at an outdoor market.  I didn't even notice it myself BUT apparently it was some sort of gunshot to the ears of the old guy.  Of course it was "house-on-fire" urgent that the old fart turn around to find the source of the aforementioned noise.  One thing that didn't cross his mind as he turned around was: STOP FUCKING PEEING!!!!!!  Never mind the fact that he did an about face with his wrinkly junk in his hand in the first place.

What the hell was going through his head, "Oh , was that some sort of completely ordinary, random noise?  It obviously must be for me, definitely something that I need to attend to immediately."  I'm thinking that that was waaay the wrong moment to be too freakin' nosey.

I don't know about you, but if I'm gonna be out in the world in any capacity and I suddenly feel the need to pull up a tree or a wall to relieve myself, it's gonna take something like a bear attack to break me away from the task at hand.

There's no way in hell that I'm gonna be able to come up with the kind of money that's going  to be necessary to finance my wife's therapy.  How am I ever going to be able to get near a tree without my wife giving me the stink-eye?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Good For A Giggle

You just gotta appreciate the line of thinking that came up with this.

This guy's awesome ... there's more

Monday, May 17, 2010

Hittin' The Double-Dog-Dare-Ya Range

After seeing this, the buddies and I are betting to see who'll be the first one to get away with the 'patty-cake' moves.

We are all painfully aware that the successful completion of the aforementioned task will most certainly result in an unfriendly knee to the groin area ... possibly repeatedly.  
The mission is more important than the man ...

Things I Learned This Past Weekend

Here are a few little tidbits that I became aware of this weekend.  
Important ... frivolous ... you decide.

1.  If you put the words " cheesy foreskin " into a song it's really hard to get that song out of your head.

2.  The only thing that really separates man from animal is the desire and ability to set fire to one's farts.

3.  Yelling " Yahtzee " with a mouthful of Scotch is a very bad idea ... for a few different reasons.

Oh and please ' BEWARE the Tethertits '!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

A Bummer

Here's a quick tally of the events of the last  ... oooo let's say the last month:
1 nasty bout with the flu
1 a little go with pneumonia
1 shitty cold
1 son with a cold
1 son with strep throat
1 same son with the double ender stomach flu
1 wife with a really bad case of the stomach flu which resulted in her missing a friend's engagement party
1 dog that freaked us out by developing old dog canine idiopathic vestibular syndrome (I just love having to give medication to my dog ... who wants no part in the getting of the medication)    It also caused me to miss going out for my birthday dinner ... ggrrrr
1 year older
1 front porch that a skunk took a particular liking to (also includes a running battle in the middle of the day with me armed with a garden hose and the skunk sporting her skunk stuff)
1 busted heat pump
1 mother and 1 sister that came to visit for a week
1 month spent in the house working on a whopper of a case of cabin fever

For some reason I say "Fuck" a whole lot more that I used to ...