Wednesday, April 21, 2010

A Plague

It's a plague ... a blight.
It's a horrible blight of epic proportions ... known as ... the little dog. 
Like the onslaught of the boy band, it seems that nowadays everyone and their friggin uncle has to have one of those googly-eyed, teeny-tiny little turds and is determined to show it off by bringing it absolutely everywhere.
I'm just gonna lay it out there.  For the record I hate little dogs ... No, No, No,    
I FUCKING hate little dogs!!!
I'm not exactly sure of the genesis of these emotions.  It's not like I had some traumatic childhood mauling buy one of those rodent-like little varmits, in fact, the one time that a morsel of me felt the back of a dog's throat, it was a huge, respectable german shepherd.  Even though I was getting my ass chewed off I remember thinking something like, "Man that's a bad-ass dog."  I know it probably came out as, "Ahhhhhhh !!!   Mommmmy!!!!", but I'm sure that's what I was thinking... at least in retrospect.
Little dogs just suffer from a severe lack of respect.  Sure, just about everyone thinks they're cute, but we all know that at any moment we could just snuff them out like a dirty cigarette. They know it too, and that gives them an icky vibe of distinct patheticness.  That's why they're so friggin' yappy and jittery, they're either trying way too hard to make themselves useful or they're worried about getting stepped on.  They're almost like having a real dog, only easier ... kinda like a goldfish that walks. 

People then amp up the level of pathetic by dressing these little turds in all sorts of demeaning outfits, (even calling them outfits is demeaning ... might as well dress them in slacks and a cardigan).  I'm surprised that they don't spend more of their time trying to off themselves.  "Pekingese in tiny sailor suit jumps from train bridge ... suicide note found written in miniature dog biscuits..."
Then there are the poor dudes that gotta take them for a walk.  Nothing says manliness like dragging around something on a leash that weighs less than a good morning dump and carting around a tiny bag of its tiny shit.

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