Only 103 Shopping Days Until Christmas

A German company has recently brought out a line (or should I say 'released a line') of stuffed animals suffering from mental problems.
The animals are a turtle, a snake, a sheep, a crocodile and a hippo who suffer from things like bipolar disorder, depression and multiple personality disorder.
Paraplush

Right now the only thing that I can see to be missing are the sociopathic cat, the passive-aggressive dog and the squirrel with a hoarding disorder.

I'm Getting A Great Head Start On Lazy Friday

Being a parent, I know that we have all jonesed, in a big way, to do this to one of the kids more annoying toys.  Seeing that this one was a large stuffed pony, I would have blown it up just on principle alone.  A bomb squad in Florida blew the pony up because it was left unattended near an elementary school and I guess with all the Qur'an burning that was supposed to take place in the state, nobody was gonna take any chances.  That being said stuffed animals going "boom" is just funny.

I like YouTube (Also Merry Christmas and Keep Your Head Down)

Show this to the kids and never ever have the naughty or nice conversation again.



I may never be able to look one of those shopping mall Santas in the eye again without getting all weak-kneed and shivery.

The Melon-Baller 4000

Here you go.  Laugh.  Cringe.  Feel better for not ever having to do this.





YOU ARE WELCOME.

Barfing Is Now The Least Of My Worries

The wife wants the family to book a cruise for the next family vacation.

It's really not my first choice for a getaway and now...
How often does one ever hear, "Look out for the sliding cafeteria furniture"

Attention: Bitching Zone Ahead

Yes, it's Tuesday, September 7, and for all intents and purposes the Summer of 2010 is over.
Good riddance Motherfucker!!!
Yes, my summer did SUCK!!
I spent most of it sick with some form of a cold or flu and their fun little side effects (Dizzy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Achy and Diarrhea).  
Then there was the weather (I'm over 40 so it's a prerequisite that I bitch about the weather).  For those brief 15 minutes here and there when I wasn't sick, It was so friggin' hot out that it was nearly impossible to leave the house during daylight hours.  Once I accidentally bumped into a sheet of plastic and almost got sucked onto it because of all the humidity.
Then there was the whole dizzy thing that completely fubared my participation in my friend's wedding.
I never got to go camping with my kids.(Caution: I may be descending into self pity)
I wasn't able to exercise like I was planning ( That one I may let slide)
There was no big family vacation.
I didn't go into the 'big city' to try any new restaurants.
There was no deep fry event.
My alcohol consumption was way down.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, my basement flooded again.  At first we thought that it was some kind of a crack in the foundation so we moved out the furniture, tore apart the wall and  pulled up the carpet only to discover(with the help of a foundation company) that it really wasn't the foundation after all.  In fact, it was just some outside leak that was easily fixed. So, now I'm going on 2 months with my basement fucked up and no idea when it's gonna get fixed (thanks insurance company).
After every long winter there always seems to be the inevitable high expectations for the following Summer and after last year's Summer 'o' rain, the expectations for this one were extra high.  To say that I am disappointed is something of an understatement.
It's a genuinely scary thing when you have to pin your hopes on the Fall and Winter to be the saviors of your year.
Here goes nothin'...

I Wonder If He Yelled "Geronimo"?

Here's the story:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/100901/world/us40_story_plunge

The short of it is that a 22 year old New York dude took a 40 storey nosedive onto a parked car and survived. No one, as of yet, knows why it happened.

The thing that gets me it that only three years earlier some guy in New York fell 47 stories and lived.  In other words, the first guy didn't even break any sort of record.    He'll never be THE GUY when people say, "Remember that guy who fell out of the building in New York ..." Nobody wonders about second place.

You'd think that if it was indeed an intentional fall that he would have checked with Guinness first to see what the records were. (Obviously , if the fall was accidental, the whole Guinness thing would be forgiven ... although it never hurts to be prepared ... just sayin')

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe

Here's a story reporting about the dangers and the hazards that can arise from wearing the big doey-eyed contact lenses that Lady Gaga sports in her "Bad Romance" video.
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/08/18/lady-gagas-big-eyes-spark-health-warning/



As you can see the title of the story is "Lady Gaga's Big Eyes Spark Health Warning".  My first thought is obviously that the big-eyed thing is probably not the largest health warning that should be sparking when it comes to Lady Gaga.  
As you may be able to tell by the songs that I put in the side thingys, Lady Gaga just not my cup of tea and so I'm not gonna yammer on and on about how my her music induces the general vomiting.
My beef with her is all the dancing in a triangle.  There's no way that that can be good for you ... Thinking that you're the top of a pyramid all the time, not being able to dance in a circle at weddings, the need to flail, etc. (I'm a guy so the whole weird-dressing-not-enough-clothes thing is kind of a non-issue)
Back to the big eye thing.  Does the teen-aged girl have to adopt anything and everything that whatever celebrity throws on to make their look/video a little bit different?  I think that the next big thing with an ounce of a sense of humour should dance around with a big flashing vuvuzela stuffed up their ass for their next video just to see if it catches on.

Ear Plugs And A Stiff Drink Needed

You know, I want to give these guys an "A" for effort, but damn, my ears won't stop bleeding long enough for me to do it.


Yup, Yup, Yup ... I'm getting all video happy over here.
Just watch it.  See if you can endure. Bet against your friends. Hopefully live to tell about it

Here We Go Again, Again

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

With all the continuously tightening airport security, we seem to be about 20 minutes and two more idiots away from not having people being allowed to get on airplanes at all, and yet ... 
Honestly, a tiger in the luggage (there's gotta be a Tiger Woods joke in there somewhere). I realize that it's a risk/reward thing and that some people will do whatever it takes to make money but ... I don't know ... smuggle something a little less conspicuous or something easily hidden in body cavities like precious gems or the pedestrian drugs. In any case, stick to the basics.

Speechless ... Without Speech

If anyone has seen the movie "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" , the first half hour-ish of this movie is gonna seem somewhat familiar.



Big River Man - Trailer from KNR Productions on Vimeo.
Then there's the rest of the film ... suddenly no more Borat and a lot more "Touching The Void", with a bunch of 'Holy Shit' and 'No Way'.  
On the one hand, it's definitely easy to be inspired buy this crazy, fat guy and run (or more aptly 'mosey with authority') out and begin to swim in anything that was even remotely wet. 
On the other hand, what he accomplished, by far, outweighs anything an 'average' guy could even imagine doing. It goes without saying that only a 'special' (in all ways) sort of person could or would get through something like this.
I suppose that I should try and be somewhat slightly inspired to get off my butt and do something memorable. Maybe I'll read the book first.
I can already feel my enthusiasm waining ...

Head For The Hills People

Whale sends five overboard off New Brunswick

Mon Aug 23, 2:01 PM

By The Canadian Press

CAMPOBELLO ISLAND, N.B. - RCMP say five people had to be rescued after they were thrown overboard when a whale upset their small boat in the Bay of Fundy off New Brunswick.

Police say a group of local residents was watching a pod of whales near Campobello Island on Saturday when one of the finbacks swam underneath them, flipped the boat and dumped everyone into the water.

The crew of a nearby fishing vessel rescued all five people and returned them safely to shore, where emergency personnel were waiting.

Two of the boaters were taken to hospital in St. Stephen, N.B., for non-life-threatening injuries.

RCMP say the people on the boat had access to personal flotation devices, but were not wearing them.

The U.S. and Canadian coast guards were both contacted about the incident.

However, a spokesperson for the Joint Rescue Co-ordination Centre in Halifax says their services were not needed.

Have a gander at two of my earlier posts:

http://horsecoqfunny.blogspot.com/2010/02/if-they-get-thumbs-were-all-dead.html

http://horsecoqfunny.blogspot.com/2010/07/holy.html

It's getting pretty obvious that mother nature is pissed and she's taking names and lookin' to kick a whole lotta ass.  It's a bonafide animal uprising.  Everybody needs to watch those "Planet of the Apes" movies (except for maybe that Marky Mark one) for a wake-up call and a little look-see into a possible future.

Honestly, do we really believe that those Alaskan Grizzlies are gathering 'cause they really like the fish.  Oh No, I tell you. They're just waiting until the year enough of us come together to watch their cute teddy bear antics and then Whamo ... a whole shitload less of us numbnuts running around to bother them.

Remember, at all times, keep at least one eye on that squirrel in the park ... sure as anything, he's plotting your demise.

Ain't Got Nuthin' But WTF

Just read this:

NY police find live cat 'marinating' in car trunk

Unfortunately I can't seem to think of much to add to this ... I know that I should be able to add something but I've really got nothing ... 

OK how about People Are Strange ... I think that I've heard that somewhere before ...

Hello Darwin ...

It it just me or does this not look like a big bunch of happy meals taking pictures of bears.





The REAL teddy bears' picnic: Fish supper for 20 as grizzlies gather for annual salmon-feasting frenzy
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1300886/If-woods--Spectators-watch-just-10-metres-away-20-Brown-Bears-gather-annual-salmon-feast.html#ixzz0xOQMmQZV


I'm gathering that it would take about 15 minutes, after one of these idiots got mauled, for people to start yelling about the problem that the bears are posing when they are all gathered in one place.

HO ... HUM ... SIGH ... Gurgle

Yes, Virginia there has been a definite lack of blog postings lately ... Here's my lame excuse as to why:
It all started (yes I'm gonna begin it like that) on Wednesday, August the 11th.  Early in the morning, I, my two sons and my good buddy set off eagerly for a small town in New Brunswick to attend the latter good buddies' wedding.  All went well.  Fast forward to Thursday.  At various point during the day I got dizzy.  Friday we went golfing ... also dizzy. Saturday, I was the best man at the wedding (which was wonderful) and as such I, along with the whole wedding party, sat through a shitload of wedding pictures taken during what seemed like he hottest day in New Brunswick history.(I know that it sounds a bit pissy of me but hey I was still feeling like crap).  I don't know what was up but I spent Saturday night suffering through the worst non-alcoholic induced hangover-like episode that I had ever even been close to.  It was full of spinning rooms, dry heaves and praying to the almighty.
Fast forward again, and after plenty of daytime sleeping, another long ten hour drive home and a trip to the doctor, I am here to declare that my meager reason for being postless has a name ... and that name is Labrynthitis.  It is an infection or swelling in the middle ear and it's screwing with my balance and making me feel woozy and not to keen on doing too much.(I know that I threw 3 and into that last sentence but hey sue me ...I still feel crappy ...and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and)
I the coming days I'm gonna try and post more but it's all gonna depend on how I'm feeling.
( I did manage to get through my best-man's-speech without yacking or falling down ... Yay Me ... small victories, small victories ...)

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock

Obviously, there's no two ways about it, this shit is nothing but cool.

Ok, so this is a commercial that has been set up and edited to look like it is fluid and spontaneous but at the end of the day these guys are still performing the stunts.  Again, I realize that this is coming from a 43yr old fart sitting behind a computer BUT these guys are just one lazy handyman away from ending up dead.  
You always seem to have these extreme sports guys and stuntmen type dudes who prattle on and on about how safe their particular sport is because they are professionals that have scientifically anticipated every possible outcome and how awesome their fail-proof equipment is.  This usually happens about a week before they end up smushed.  
Seriously, the margin for error with all these things is so tiny that sooner or later the 'human' effect is gonna slam into play with the obviously horrible consequences.  Remember the last time you tripped walking up the stairs ... or bit the inside of your mouth fricken chewing and we do that easily every day.  
Hey shit happens ... but when you jump off a cliff with a tiny parachute enough times, eventually you're gonna end up eating it.

MOO Means Left and MOO-OO Means Right

I saw this on the blog Clever Idiot



"Those burgers you got at the drive-thru sure are fresh"

3...2...1...Go ... Well, I really like Boba Fett

Here's a notice/site/whatever you want to call it that is putting out info for a Star Wars Celebration type gathering in Orlando next weekend ( or whatever, I really didn't get into the details of the whole thing ... it's Sunday morning and I'm being a lazy reader)  Now, what caught my eye was that on 2 occasions the 'conference' is advertising a session of "Star Wars Speed Dating".
Yes, we are all wondering how the worlds of Star wars and dating rotate in any sort of vicinity of one another, never mind collide ... but there it is.
Star Wars Speed Dating
I'm not going to go on about nerds etc. Hey,  everyone needs to find someone to share interests, happiness and blah, blah, blah.
The thing that I can't wrap my head around is these guys:

DJ MadKidJedi (left) and
Host Gi-Ganakin (right)








Would anybody in their right mind trust their musical enjoyment and their potential love life to these two guys?      (If I'm gonna be all judgy 'n' stuff)

Another, Another Sign Of The Apocalypse

All I can really say is : You Gotta Be Kidding, Right
2 words: GLI-TTER

Bacon : It's God's Work

Go ahead, read this article: "Cold Cuts Could Cause Cancer: Study" (by the way, which word doesn't belong?? Take in all the doom and gloom, absorb all the foreboding darkness gleaned from partaking in the Bologna, Pastrami and Pimento Loaf. 
"Already linked with an increased risk of cardiovascular disease and certain cancers, including cancer of the pancreas, red meat was found by a team of US researchers to be a possible cause of bladder cancer, a study published in the journal Cancer said.""The culprits in the cold cuts are nitrates and nitrites which are added to meat when it is processed to preserve and enhance color and flavor." 


Me ... This is what I read: "For those who can't do without their bacon-cheeseburger, some good news: scientists found no associations between beef, bacon, hamburger, sausage or steak and bladder cancer."


YAY Bacon!!  You're such a good boy!! ... Yes you are ... Yes you are ... You know you're Daddy's favorite!!